TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have An additional put the place American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he must cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from space, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after locating the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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